Family news and a mini-lecture

[stgulik]

Ugh, my brother-in-law died Wednesday. He was about 62, and had a troublesome combination of pervasive medical problems, including Celiac disease, alcoholism and seizure activity. He was a man on the stubborn side, yet incredibly intelligent. He was actually working hard to recover from some recent injuries and surgeries, and was on the verge of enjoying some better health, but then he had a grand mal when he was alone Wednesday and that was that for him.

My poor SIL got the news at work. Groom and I work a few blocks away, so we were called to come and help her. I wound up driving her home and subsequently living with her for two days. It's been an excruciating time for her. I've been so worried about her--in fact, it's weird to be home right now when she still needs her family. But her kids and his kids have arrived; they will keep her secure while they all begin the long process of dismantling his environment. G & I intend to return late next week and see how we can pitch in.

His death is shaping up to be a bureaucratic nightmare, even though they were legally married. People, if you haven't already, it's time to make a living trust or other will for the sake of your children, spouse, or parents. Don't put it off, for heaven's sake. And sign things! An unsigned codicil buried at the bottom of a pile of bank statements just isn't going to cut it.

/soapbox

Comments

[beffeysue.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your entire family. It's hard enough to get through a time like this, but his not having signed any directives will make everything harder. I will be keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

I lost my husband over a decade ago. Thankfully, after we found out that he had some severe medical problems, our attorney sent us to another attorney that specialized in Elder Law to help us get our affairs in order. We both had wills prepared, and I was given his power-of-attorney and was named as the responsible person for following his wishes in a healthcare power-of-attorney. Every state is different, and in ours being named as the executor of a will, being given power-of-attorney for your spouse, and being named as a spouse's legal representative for healthcare issues are three different things that must be spelled out.

At the same time, I made my daughter executor of my will, and gave her my regular power-of-attorney and my healthcare power-of-attorney. It is also stipulated that if for some reason my daughter would be unable to serve, that all responsibilities will pass directly to my son.

I have everything set up so that most of my worldly goods will go straight to my children and very little will have to go through probate. I have taken both of them to meetings with my attorney, my bank, and my investment counselor.

For anyone who is reading, please take stgulik's advice and get all of your affairs spelled out in a signed legal document. A simple will that will stand up in court is not that hard to do, nor does it have to be expensive, and it can make all the difference in the world to your loved ones after your death. And be sure to learn about the legal term per stirpes:

http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Per+stirpes

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Beffey, for spelling all this out for us. It was intelligent to take your husband's infirmities into account and to make sure your documents worked best in your state.

[lady-of-clunn.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry!

My uncle passed away yesterday after a three year battle with ALS - I know exactly how adrift and helpless you and your family must feel right now.

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

My condolences on the passing of your uncle. Even when someone is battling a disease, it's a blow when they finally pass away.

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

Paul and I had our wills made out quite a while ago. Also, a Living Will, in which we spelled out our end of life wishes, and we gave each other power of attorney. Even though we are not in the upper ten percent by a long shot, I had all our assets put in a trust, with myself as trustee. This means that probate is avoided, and everything is ready to go for our inheritors -- an animal rescue. We don't have kids -- just parrots, who will likely outlive us. We wanted to make sure that they were taken care of, so whatever is left when we die goes to the animal rescue in exchange for taking in our birds. Why, yes -- I do micromanage everything. *g*

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

That's fascinating, Mimi. You've made it so everything is ready to transfer in an orderly fashion to the charity of your choosing. And your birds will be well-tended.

[bonsaibetz.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your and especially your SIL's loss. My deepest condolences.

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my dear. It's been hard on his wife, but we'll hold her close as long as she needs.

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for you SIL and your family's loss.

You aren't kidding about having all that paperwork in order just in case. A family friend's husband died unexpectedly last week and the wife never had access to their bank accounts and she's having to wait until death certificates come before being able to get access to anything. It's really important to have everything in place since you never know when things will happen.

Best of luck in everything getting sorted as quickly as possible.

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

I can't wrap my head around a spouse not having access to a joint account in this day and age. But I just realized since my husband pays our bills, I'm not entirely sure what the online passwords are for our creditors, etc. I'll make sure those are in a central place asap.

[darklotus1211.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear of your family's loss. I agree with you regarding getting and then keeping your affairs in order. My finances and assets are all pretty modest, but I have them sorted and review and update when necessary.

Both my mum and my MIL died intestate and the added stress and, in the case of my MIL, the acrimony brought about by certain family members who went against what she'd wanted was just dreadful.

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

My brother in-law's will leaves his assets to his wife, kids, and friends, and then it basically says, if anyone contests the will, whether or not they are listed, they will be awarded only one dollar. That's probably a common legal device, but it is so in keeping with his curmudgeonly personality, it made me laugh.

[darklotus1211.livejournal.com]

That's a great device! I have a few worries about how a couple of my family members could behave in the event of my death, so I'll have to talk to my solicitor and see if it holds up here in Australia. It would certainly put the kibosh on them should they decide to contest!

[nocturnus33]

This is so sad for your entire family. It is so sad.

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

Thank you, nocturnus, it is hard but we will get through it.

[kittylefish.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

and that's good advice.

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

Be sure and read the other comments! Smarter people than me have shared all their good advice here, which I am definitely going to take.