Mom-worries

[stgulik]

Saw my mother yesterday. Normally, I wouldn't put myself through the 3-hour round trip two times in a month, but when I spoke to her on Mother's Day, I suffered a paroxysm of guilt and promised a belated visit.

Oh, well, it was necessary and we got a lot done. I took her to Home Depot to buy potted herbs for her garden. We parked in the handicapped slot and put up her brand-new placard to prove we belonged there. Next to our space, someone had left one of the store scooters. My 76-year-old mother has never ridden a scooter before! I knew she was in for a treat. So I helped her into the seat, showed her how to go forward and backward, and off she went. She loved it, I can tell, though part of her still considers such devices giving in. It did my heart good to watch her all carefree, toodling down the aisles, and not have to worry she might fall using her normal walker.

I worry about her more than she worries about herself. Some worries are legitimate, like ones for her health and safety. I arranged to have a helper come in three hours a day, and I keep an eye out for other useful things to do.

Many worries are not things I need to take on. For instance, one bedroom in her house is where my brother and his son lived for a while when they moved back to town. People, please understand, they basically lived like squatters in that bedroom together--mattresses on the floor, food wrappers everywhere, dirty underwear, cigarette packs, comic books, video games ... After they moved out, we even discovered dried snot on the walls. (Pray it was done by the younger of them, but who the hell knows.) Groom and I took the mattresses to the dump and washed out the room as best we could, but the walls are still a little ... streaky. I want to paint them, but Mom has had enough of that whole chapter of her life, and she forbids me to bring it up. Again, I don't need to take this on because the look of one remote wall doesn't directly affect her health or safety. But I keep a little inventory of low-level worries at the back of my mind, ready to trot out at odd moments.

It should be a lovely Sunday, back in my own little house. I'll watch some baseball this morning while getting laundry done. And I promised the dogs an extra-long walk!

Comments

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I understand what you mean. My mother is ferociously independent, and very stubborn. That, with an almost insanely pessimistic streak, can make her a bit of a pain in the arse at times. But she is also generous and giving and pretty tolerant. But she's a mass of contradictions.

She has admitted she needs extra help cleaning the house, but wouldn't ask me. She loves 50 Shades of Grey, but won't read her daughter's own novel, she has twice monthly trips to town where she takes her RA treatments, but won't ask me to take her and gets irritated when I suggest it. She'll buy herself mountains of clothes an never wears them, but will also buy extra food and then innocently say, "Oh, I bought too much of this - would you want it?" knowing full well we would be grateful for it. See? She's lovely and yet I want to bonk her on the head sometimes.

And you just can't own all that. If she wants to paint the wall, you can always volunteer to help, but if she's like mine, the more you ask, the deeper she digs her heels in against it.

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

I wish I had left the convo with "hey if you ever want to paint, call me and I'll be there." Instead, I was talking as if things *needed* to be done. My only defense is, it's my style and she's bloody well used to it after all these years, LOL

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I do the same thing. I think the problem with mom is that she still sees me as the ten-year old who really doesn't know what I'm talking about. Time and time again when we were redoing her house last fall, I would make a suggestion and she would say, "Oh, no, that's not necessary. I can do without that. You don't need to do that."

If my cousin Jimmy suggested the same thing, she would totally go with it. Time and time again! Finally, I just got Jimmy to be the mouthpiece. We got loads of stuff done then.

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

So we daughters are not the only blind ones!

[dragoon811.livejournal.com]

That's disgusting, how they treated the room!!! :(

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

It really is. And now he wants to like move his family into her house, and he promises he would take care of the place so she wouldn't have to worry, and we look at each other and think, oh sure, because you did so well last time.

[dragoon811.livejournal.com]

Yeah, no... if he can't take proper care of one room, how could he possibly take care of a house?

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

It may help if you imagine yourself at her age. How would you act? Would you just sigh and get on the scooter as soon as you felt a bit of difficulty walking? Or would you fight to keep your independence as long as you could? Maybe even longer than you should? Independence is a highly valued trait in our culture. Dependent people are infantilized. Maybe this is why so many old people fight everything one tries to do for them every step of the way. They may be afraid that if they let you do things for them now, while they are still marginally capable of doing things for themselves, it will snowball into having to have others do things for them.

[kittylefish.livejournal.com]

very insightful, mimi. no surprise there. ;) i am thinking now of my uncle, who will turn 77 soon if i'm doing my math right.

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

Paul's Aunt Marie is 93, she still lives alone... she still drives. She does have aides come in several times a week to do stuff for her, like laundry, light cleaning, and helping her shower. And even though she has an upstairs, she has had to move onto one floor. If she had moved into a "facility", I know that she would not have lasted as long as she has. She fiercely values her independence. I admire her for that and much more.

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

I get that. She runs her own life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I float ideas, I make offers and suggestions, but the ultimate decisions are still her own. I know I would do well to remember that and let some of my worry go.

When she began to be unstable on her feet, I dreaded having a conversation with her about needing a walker. What if I insulted her pride? Then I went to see her, and she had bought herself not one but two walkers (one to store in the car trunk), and she was cheerfully rolling all over the house like nobody's business.

[kittylefish.livejournal.com]

you are a good daughter. it is awesome that you are there for your mother. i know you know this, but all you can do is what you can do. after that, try to let it go as best you can. *hugs*